Herald and Journal Herald & Journal, February 16, 1998

Euro-English is on zer way

By MYRON HEUER

This will boggle your mind. The European Union Commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English Euro for short.

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al will agre that the horible mes of silent E's in the languag is disgrasful.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v."

During ze the fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou," and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil have a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it esi tu understand ech ozer.

Zen ze drem vil finali kum tru.

But vat vil you du ven yu hit spelchek on your compewter or vurd procesor?.


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