Herald and Journal
Herald & Journal, July 27, 1998

The real difference between Democrats and Republicans

By MYRON HEUER

Are you a Democrat or Republican?

With elections coming up soon, you ought to find out what you are. I ran across this list of differences between Democrats and Republicans from a few elections ago. I trust there is no change.

Democrats believe the trouble started with Herbert Hoover, and was worse during the presidency of Richard Nixon.

Republicans believe the trouble started with Franklin D. Roosevelt and is worse than ever right now.

Democrats leave the dishes in the drying rack on the sink overnight.

Republicans put the dishes away every night.

Republicans play tennis.

Democrats bowl, unless they're Kennedy Democrats, in which case they play tennis too.

Democrats love television, and watch a lot of it.

Republicans hate television. They watch a lot of it, too.

Democrats are baseball fans.

Republicans are football fans.

Democrats buy their food on payday once a week at the supermarket.

Republicans go to the supermarket every day.

Democrats usually write with a pencil

Republicans usually write with pens.

In the summer, Democrats drink beer.

Republicans drink gin and tonic. However, in the winter they drink scotch and soda.

Democrats still drink beer.

Republicans think taxes are too high because of the Democrats.

Democrats think taxes are too high because of the Republicans.

Republicans have dinner between seven and eight.

Democrats have supper between five and six.

Democrats drink coffee with cream and sugar, from mugs.

Republicans take theirs black, with cup and saucer.

Democrats don't seal the envelopes of their Christmas cards, which they sign by hand.

Republicans seal the envelopes of their Christmas cards, which have their names printed on them ­ unless they're very rich Republicans, in which case they sign them by hand. If they're very, very rich, they have someone else sign them.

Democrats believe people are basically good, but must be saved from themselves by their government.

Republicans believe people are basically bad, but they'll be okay if they're left alone.

A lot of Republicans are more like Democrats used to be, and a lot of Democrats are more like Republicans used to be.

If you're still not sure what you are, you're probably a Democrat.


I've always wondered if sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?


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