Herald & Journal, December 15, 1997

Computers - the redneck way

By MYRON HEUER

I suppose a lot of people will receive a computer for Christmas. There's a rumor that Santa will leave one for my grandsons. If this is true, I'd like to help new owners of this magic machine with an easy way of understanding computer talk.

The following list is a redneck version of the meaning of computer language:

Backup ­ What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.

Bar code ­ Them's fightin' rules down at the local tavern.

Bug ­ The reason you give when calling in sick.

Byte ­ What your pit bull done to your mailman.

Chip ­ Pasture muffins you try not to step in.

Diskette ­ Female disco dancer.

Fax ­ What you lie about to the IRS.

Hard copy ­ Picture looked at while selecting a tattoo.

Internet ­ Where cafe worker puts her hair.

Mac ­ Big Bubba's favorite fast food.

Megahertz ­ How your head feels after 17 beers.

Modem ­ What you do when the grass gets too high.

Mouse pad ­ Where Mickey and MInnie live.

Online ­ Where you stay when taking a sobriety test.

Super conductor ­ Amtrak's employee of the year.

Well, I doubt if this will help much. It's just another way of looking at the world of computers ­ the redneck way.

I wonder if my grandsons will let me play with their computer when ­ I mean ­ if Santa leaves one for them.


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