Herald and Journal, November 16, 1998
A rose by any other name?

Today I was paging through the latest People magazine. Of course, I don't buy it for the pictures. I buy it so I can read the articles. Never mind that this was the "Sexiest Man Alive" edition with Harrison Ford on the cover.

Anyway, I was checking out the articles in the magazine when I realized that my magazine had been sabotaged.

Suddenly it hit me. It was the unmistakable odor of some wretchedly strong perfume. I must have turned just enough pages to set off the silent stink alarm. I paged quickly ahead and found the smelly offender. It was almost overpowering. I quickly ripped out the reeking page and threw it in the trash. I hadn't even opened the flap where most of the "aroma" was trapped.

For the next two hours my throat burned from the perfume that was released into the air. If I had opened the flap, I probably would have been gassed. In my haste to dispose of the offensive page, I hadn't even noticed the name of the perfume they were touting.

I have some suggestions though. I think there should be truth in advertising for perfumes. Most of the perfumes that are being advertised have such lah-de-dah names. I could come up with more appropriate names like Obscenely Obnoxious Odor. Or how about Ridiculously Overpowering Stench? Do you suppose there would be a market for Throat Burning Putrescence?

Quite often the perfume samples are stuck in among the ads for a local department store. I have never been tempted to open one to savor the scent. I try to keep the ads at arms length until I can dispose of them safely. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to call in a "Stink Bomb Squad" to dispose of this hazardous and offensive material?

I think magazines that use these scent sellers should have to put a warning label on their sinus attacking issues. "Warning! Breathing while reading this magazine may be hazardous to your health."

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