Herald-Journal
Howard Lake-Waverly Herald, Oct. 29, 2001

Chewing, smacking drive me bonkers

By LYNDA JENSEN

I cracked a rib reading the "pet peeves" of Denise Rosenau's column last week, so I thought that I'd give it a whirl myself.

My all-time pet peeve of the world is when people chew noisily with their mouths open. Could be gum or just about anything - just ask my kids.

This goes waaaay back to when my brother used to eat breakfast at the table. Incidentally, I'm crazy about my brother, he's a honey.

But he chews like he lives out in the pasture somewhere.

It just drove me bonkers. I hate it - then and now.

Another pet peeve: tuneless whistling. My kids do this a lot. It just bugs me like crazy.

Murphy's laws

The following is an excerpt of goofy stuff I picked up in college. It's funny. Allow me:

· Don't wear ear muffs in a bed of rattle snakes.

· No name, no matter how simple, can be correctly understood over the phone.

· Things get worse under pressure.

· Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.

· The only imperfect thing in nature is the human race.

· If you view your problem closely enough, you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.

· People are always available for work in the past tense.

· The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

· It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry.

· Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.

· When anything is used to its full potential, it will break.

· The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure on of them is a match.

· Measure twice, cut once.

· Checks are always delayed in the mail; bills arrive on time or sooner.

· If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.

· In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:40 on a Friday.

· The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the boss walks through the office.

· Don't worry over what people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying about what you are thinking about them.

· Things will get worse before they get better. - who said they would get better?

· Bad weather reports are more often right than good ones.

· If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

· The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

· When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

· The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.

· If you can't win, shoot for a tie.

· Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

· Universities are full of knowledge. The freshmen bring a little in and the seniors take none away and knowledge accumulates.

· Buy low and sell high.

· The person who snores the loudest will fall asleep first.

· The driver's side windshield wiper always streaks and wears out first.

· The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.

· And my favorite - a bird in the hand is worth about three Kleenex.

Confession time

Since I already confessed this bit of news to Dr. Heeter at the Ridgeview Clinic in Howard Lake, I might as well give an update to my tulip tomb, for those who care to know.

I think that Dr. Heeter is the best doctor in the world.

I roped my kids into helping me excavate an area six feet long by four feet wide (tulip tomb).

I pictured Dr. Heeter watching me do it all the while, with his hand over his forehead saying "What are you dooooing . . . . !?"

I planted 120 lily flowering tulips, and scooped up bargains two weeks ago at Wal-mart for potted lily bulbs.

It's a sinking ship this time of year for them, once the very first frost sets in, because they try to get rid of all their bulbs at a fraction of the cost.


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