Herald Journal Columns
Jan. 14, 2002

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning

By LYNDA JENSEN

I searched the 'net for a few good jokes and tripped on Scott Adams' ingenious comic strip, Dilbert. His web site is: dilbert.com.

Working class slobs especially appreciate Scott and his goofy sense of humor, particularly those who (used) to work in office space cubicles (cough, cough).

The following is a sample of his humor:

Dilbert's Law of Work

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the derriere.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more baloney you put up with, the more baloney you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

Top ways to keep annoying co-workers from messing up your projects:

· Smack "Biohazardous Materials" stickers on anything in my lab I don't want people to touch. Everyone's afraid of what I work with, so if I stickered it, it must be bad; and they all keep away from it.

- LabBert

· Add games to their computer.

- Mark the Programmer from Houston

Ask them to help.

- You will never see them again-bert!

· Impossible. The annoying co-worker is the dim-witted son that daddy gave the company to, then retired.

- Graceba-bert - God Help Me

· Bright, shiny objects at the opening to my cubicle.

- Watch them stare for hours.

· Have a friend spread the rumor that anyone involved with your project is going to be downsized.

- Secretary with a crossbow!

· Don't assume they won't tell your boss you've been spending all your time playing Final Fantasy!

- Alex Stockwell


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