Herald Journal Columns
July 14, 2003 Herald Journal
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Minn. mosquitoes helped us unpack the car


I remember seeing about two dozen mosquitoes in South Dakota recently, when we took a vacation for several days.

. . . Then we returned home, and the mosquitoes helped us unpack the car.

There were hordes of them, flying in black clouds; countless.

I think the Minnesota varieties are bigger and need more blood.

You could actually see them float up from the grass, looking for a nice, fat, juicy human.

I don't remember this many before we left? I didn't think anything could surpass last year!

Toilet breath revisited

You may recall my nickname for our German Shepherd dog, Dixie, is Toilet Breath.

Well, that title was wrested back by our Daschund, Doc.

During our vacation, we took Doc along and he accompanied my daughter and I to the showers.

I looked down to see him actually licking the toilet, probably from condensation since it was hot and humid (at least, that's the official version).

I was absolutely astonished, looking at this dog ­ my dog ­ doing this.

To add insult to injury, Doc walked around and tried to lick the OTHER side of the toilet!

The great Will Rogers

A friend of mine passed me some great quotes from the great political satirist Will Rogers.

I understand that news reporters would follow Rogers around daily, asking him his opinion on all kinds of subjects, from politics to soap.

He was full of wisdom and experience. He always gave them something to remember. Us too.

Will Rogers died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935. He was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.

Here are some Will Rogers quotes:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman . . . neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:

· the ones that learn by reading.

· the few who learn by observation.

· the rest who pee on the electric fence.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. AND FINALLY: After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him . . .

The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

And about growing older . . .

First, eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second, the older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third, some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want EVERYONE to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth, when you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth, you know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth, I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh, one of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth, one must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth, long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally, if you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

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