Herald Journal Columns
July 3, 2006, Herald Journal

Terrorist plot uncovered

By IVAN RACONTEUR

What appeared to be a collection of random events has been revealed as a cunning and elaborate plot to disrupt American workers, the department of workforce security announced Wednesday.

Rather than targeting the military, which is more organized and has anti-terrorism units in place, this nefarious scheme is directed at the place where American workers are the most vulnerable: the employee lounge.

The diabolical plan is designed to disrupt the workforce in several ways.

First, insurgents steal food from employee’s lunches. These selective and surreptitious attacks reduce the fitness of workers by compromising their nutritional intake. Productivity suffers because workers are distracted, wondering who stole their lunch. Hunger hampers their ability to concentrate.

The second prong in the iniquitous attack involves chemical warfare.

These vile agents of destruction spread disease by leaving stacks of dirty dishes in employee lunchrooms.

They deliberately avoid covering food in employee microwaves, creating dens of contamination.

These techniques combine to form factories of filth, introducing toxic biological agents into the workplace.

The first two elements in this diabolical scheme may seem unrelated, but they are calculated to facilitate the third element, which is based on economics.

Workers, tired of having their lunches pinched, and sick of dealing with dirty dishes in employee break rooms, eventually begin to avoid these places altogether. They begin to go out for lunch every day, whether or not they can afford it.

This extravagant behavior creates an economic burden on workers, and takes money away from other activities.

It results in domestic disharmony when employee’s spouses chastise them daily for spending so much money on lunches.

Could it be that the plan is so elaborate that the very fast food establishments that benefit from the scheme are actually ornate fronts for terrorist money-laundering operations, funneling money back into the very cells that are carrying out the attacks?

The result of this cunning scheme is the wide-scale disruption of America’s workforce.

The nation’s industries will begin to falter, because workers, weak from hunger, and tired from lack of sleep resulting from spousal harassment, cannot concentrate on their jobs.

Vital communication will break down as workers begin avoiding lunch rooms that were once a forum for sharing information.

Morale will suffer as workers begin bickering among themselves. They will become suspicious of their friends as they try to figure out who has been stealing their lunches, and who keeps leaving all those dirty dishes around.

The result will be a workforce in chaos.

This diabolical scheme is being orchestrated on a very subtle level. Incidents will seem random and unrelated.

Workers are asked to be alert for signs of terrorist activity in their own place of business.

Officials caution workers not to retaliate against lunch thefts by planting laxative-laden treats in their lunches in an attempt to catch perpetrators. These actions often backfire, and put innocent parties at risk.

Instead, workers who suspect lunch room terrorism are advised to contact the office of workforce security immediately.