HJ-ED-DHJHerald Journal Columns
October 8, 2007, Herald Journal

Restroom romance and the gender gap
By IVAN RACONTEUR

Bathrooms have been getting a lot of attention lately.

We have all heard far more than we need to know about Senator Larry Craig’s hijinks at the Minneapolis airport, and about the shenanigans that go on behind closed (stall) doors.

Men and women view these facilities differently, and apparently, gay men have an even different outlook.

After hearing all the talk about foot-tapping and secret codes, one can’t help feel a bit sorry for people who can’t find anywhere better to hook up than in public latrines.

There seems to be a lot more activity in these places than one might expect. There have been 41 arrests for suspicion of illicit sexual behavior since May in just two of the 80 restrooms at the airport.

In these two locations, Metropolitan Airports Commission now plans to install dividers between stalls that reach almost to the floor in an effort to discourage fraternization between stall occupants.

At $12,500 per restroom, it appears that someone is making a tidy profit on the deal. One wonders if the new stall dividers are gold-plated and equipped with jewel-studded bog roll holders.

The losers in all of this are the members of the traveling public. It would save us all a lot of money if people would just get a room, and conduct their trysts somewhere other than in the public facilities.

One can’t help but miss the days when the biggest conflict in WCs was whether toilet seats should be left up or down.

It used to be that men (at least heterosexual men) viewed bathrooms as purely utilitarian places. We go in, attend to our business, and get out. We do not chat, and restroom etiquette dictates that we look straight ahead and never make eye contact.

We have never understood why women go to the loo in groups of two or more, as if the call of nature were an invitation to some sort of social event.

The way we stock our bathrooms reflects our attitudes about these facilities.

Guys need only a handful of items in the john. We need a toothbrush, toothpaste, and maybe some mouthwash. We keep a razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and some deodorant on hand. For days when we are feeling especially sporty, we have some cologne. Add a comb, and that about completes our arsenal.

The average woman keeps 247 different items in the bathroom.

She only has one head, but she keeps three kinds of shampoo and two different conditioners in the shower.

She has a collection of fancy scented soaps made with exotic combinations of ingredients like cucumber-mango, and coconut lime verbena.

She likes to have things like shower puffs and loofahs on hand to aid in her ablutions.

She probably has a razor (assuming her boyfriend or husband has hidden his so she can’t borrow it).

A woman uses products that dry out her skin, and other products to restore moisture.

Women’s faces are complicated things. They require the use of a whole assortment of facial scrubs, cleansers, masques, and toners to keep them in shape.

Women use sunblock to protect them from the sun’s rays, and self-tanners to make them look like they just came in from the beach.

A woman uses anti-aging serums, and potions designed to hide wrinkles in order to defy the passage of time.

She keeps an array of cotton balls and cleansing pads in various sizes, and, in the bottom drawer, she keeps a collection of feminine products that guys know nothing about.

Women also require an abundance of clips, pins, and scrunchies, and about a dozen different kinds of gel, mousse, and hair spray to make their hair curly, straight, or wavy, and to make it stand up or lie down, depending on their mood.

They have a toolbox full of implements such as brushes, blow dryers, and curling irons, and a collection of items that look like they came out of some Medieval doctor’s bag. They have tools to curl eyelashes, and a bizarre and frightening array of tweezers, nippers, and files designed for purposes men can only guess at.

It is no wonder it takes women forever to get out of the bathroom. They are obviously a lot busier in there than we are.

The cosmetic bag of a single American woman contains more art supplies than Michelangelo used on the entire Sistine Chapel.

Something awful must happen to women overnight. They look great when we see them during the day, but they must undergo some sort of hideous transformation while they sleep, because it evidently is quite a chore for them to whip things back into shape when they wake up.

It is not that men don’t appreciate their efforts. We are grateful, and the results are often quite impressive. We just don’t understand the process.

Men see bathing as a way to get clean. For women, it is some sort of ritualistic spiritual experience. They decorate their bathrooms as if they were shrines to Aglaia, the Greek goddess of beauty and adornment.

For women, bathrooms are sanctuaries where they can retreat from the coarse and malodorous world of men.

They fill them with potpourri and scented candles for ambiance. They like to have a radio or CD player in there so they can enjoy music while they work their magic.

They hang paintings on the walls, and add accessories such as little collections of shells or pretty stones.

A guy hits the shower and gets out as quickly as he can. Women see bathing as an interlude, and sitting around in a steaming tub of hot water laced with essential oils while listening to Alanis Morissette and Sarah McLachlan and sipping a glass of red wine is therapeutic for them.

If an anthropologist from outer space were to land on earth and try to figure out the difference between men and women, our bathrooms would be a pretty good place to start.