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If only I had a penny . . .

September 29, 2008

by Jen Bakken

Sometimes, my children will say things, and I’ll sigh, while thinking to myself, “Oh I am so tired of hearing that.”

Secretly, I wish I was paid a penny for each and every time those words were yelled at me.

If I had a penny for every time my kids have yelled, “He’s touching me!” or “She’s looking at me!” I could afford to put up permanent barricades and keep my children away from each other.

If I had a penny for every time they’ve whined, “I didn’t do it!” or “You always blame me!” I could buy surveillance cameras to prove who the guilty party really is.

If I had a penny for every time they’ve complained, “Gross!” or “I am NOT eating that!” I’d hire a chef to satisfy their taste buds. (Or dissatisfy them and deal with the complaints.)

If I had a penny for every time they’ve begged, “Why won’t you let us stay up later?” or “Just five more minutes?” I wouldn’t just be tired, but rich as well.

Sometimes, my children will say things, I’ll roll my eyes, while thinking to myself, “I swear, if I hear that one more time I’ll go crazy!” and secretly wish I was paid a penny for each and every time those words were whined in my ears.

If I had a penny for every time they’ve whined, “I’m hungry.” or “We have nothing good to eat.” I could buy the Keebler Elves to keep my cupboards stocked. (And that animated Kool-Aid guy would burst through the wall with an “Oh-Yeah” at the first sign of their thirst.)

If I had a penny for every time they’ve complained, “I’m bored.” or “There’s nothing to do.” I’d hire Richard Simmons to make them sweat to the oldies and wish for nothing to do.

If I had a penny for every time they’ve begged, “Can I have a toy?” or “Can I have a treat?” I wouldn’t HAVE to say no, but probably still would, with less guilt.

If I had a penny for every time my kids have yelled, “I had it first!” or “That’s mine!” I could afford two of everything just to keep my sanity.

Sometimes, my children will say things and I’ll want to cover my ears as I secretly wish I was paid a penny for each and every time those complaints were thrown my way.

If I had a penny for every time they’ve complained, “I’m not taking medicine!” or “It doesn’t taste like bubble gum at all!” I’d hire a scientist to create a medication that doesn’t make kids gag.

If I had a penny for every time they’ve begged, “Can I take a bath tomorrow?” or “Don’t wash my hair!” I wouldn’t have to dream of a hot tub to relax in, I’d buy one. (And this would be my nightly escape.)

If I had a penny for every time my kids have yelled, “You never let me do anything!” or “ All my friends can!” I could afford to sign them up for every sport and activity in Wright County, along with taxi service.

If I had a penny for every time they’ve whined, “I’m not eating that, you burnt it!” or “Yuck, it’s black?” I could buy a better toaster, a better oven, and a better timer.

Sometimes my children will say things and I just have to walk away, as I secretly wish I was paid a penny for each and every time my kids have begged me relentlessly.

If I had a penny for every time they’ve begged, “I know what I want for Christmas!” or “This is what I’m asking Santa for!” I wouldn’t have to figure out how to explain that even Santa and the elves have limits.

If I had a penny for every time my kids have yelled, “AHHHH, I am so mad!” or “This is the worst day ever!” I could afford the best wine from Woodland Hill Winery and a padded room just for temper tantrums. (Theirs and mine.)

If I had a penny for every time they’ve whined, “It’s my turn!” or “I want to be first!” I could buy them each iPods instead of fighting over whose CD we listen to next in the car.

If I had a penny for every time they’ve complained, “I don’t have any clean clothes!” or “Where are all my socks?” I’d hire that bear from Snuggle Fabric Softeners and Dryer Sheets to help with the laundry.

Sometimes, my children will say things, and I’ll sigh while thinking to myself, “Oh, I am so tired of hearing that.”

I’ll roll my eye’s while thinking to myself, “I swear, if I hear that one more time I’ll go crazy!”

I’ll want to cover my ears and I just have to walk away, as I secretly wish I was paid a penny for each and every time those words were yelled, whined, complained, or begged.

If I only I had a penny.