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Secrets of the sectional sofa

November 24, 2008

by Jen Bakken

Have you ever lost the remote control and practically tore the house apart looking for it?

Our DVD player remote disappeared some time ago and the other day I was determined to find it.

The search began, and I honestly looked everywhere. I even looked in the kitchen cupboards and the refrigerator. I think we’ve all, at some point or another, put the milk in the cupboard, or a bag of Doritos in the refrigerator by mistake – right? So, I thought maybe the remote might have been put in some strange place.

The remote wasn’t next to the milk in the refrigerator, it wasn’t in the cupboard next to the peanut butter, or anywhere in my kitchen for that matter.

I looked in the kids’ rooms, under beds, in drawers, toy boxes, closets and in any place I could think of. The bathrooms didn’t even reveal the hiding spot of our remote control.

Once back in the living room, I realized I hadn’t looked under the couch or between the cushions – little did I know what was lurking there.

When I pulled apart our three-piece sectional sofa and removed all of the cushions – I couldn’t believe what I found.

Apparently, I should be cleaning out the sofa more often. I’m almost ashamed to admit that I cannot remember when I last performed this cleaning task.

I think of myself as a relatively clean person, but my sofa surely is not proof of this. And, now I know what my children are doing when I’m not looking, because the secrets of the sectional sofa revealed:

• one balled up dirty sock

• 87 cents (all in pennies)

• candy wrappers (from Halloween I assume)

• a finger nail clipper

• red pop bottle cap

• a signed permission slip for the middle school

• a pink sparkley Barbie doll outfit

• ponytails of assorted colors

• baseball cards

• juice box straw wrappers

• a half eaten Cheeto

• a partially chewed piece of pepperoni (or, at least I think that’s what it was)

• markers with missing caps

• a variety of pens, pencils and crayons

• a missing homework assignment

• crumbs from who knows what

• one green peanut M&M, smooshed and matted to the cushion

• the hair brush I gave up looking for and just recently replaced

• a used Band-aid

• a battery

• a DVD

• a Game Boy game

• and huge wads of hair, fuzz, or something. Honestly, this was far more than one dust bunny. It was more like a dust bunny colony living within our sofa.

With this pile of sofa contents in the middle of our living room floor, I simply shook my head in disbelief. Of course, no child of mine laid claim to any item I found. The little actors tried to look just as surprised at the mess as I was.

“It’s not mine.”

“I didn’t do it.”

To which I couldn’t help but reply with complete sarcasm, “Oh right, because the balled up dirty sock, the chewed piece of pepperoni, and the dust bunny colony are all in cahoots to destroy our sofa!”

Though the secrets of our sectional sofa have been revealed, the search for the remote control continues.