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The political fight is over — almost

November 10, 2008

by Matt Kane

I never thought I would be happy to hear and see advertisements for cars and prescription drugs on the radio and television, but I am.

When you turn on your radio in the car, do you hear it? Listen closely; do you hear it?

None of the spots feature a voice-over guy telling us how someone wants to raise taxes, or how someone else is a racist writer of pornography, or how somebody once voted for President Bush.

It was even difficult to watch the evening news over the past two years, especially in the two weeks prior to Tuesday’s election.

Between segments of Don Shelby and Amelia Santaniello talking about where John McCain and Barack Obama were campaigning earlier that day, we were forced to watch political ads describing how each one was corrupt. Two minutes of commercial time jam-packed with commercials featuring rich brats talking about how terrible the other guy is. The last I checked, McCain and Obama are both United States Senators. That should be enough said.

It wasn’t only McCain and Obama, it was also Norm Coleman and Al Franken, Michele Bachmann and El Tinklenberg, Erik Paulson and Ashwin Madia, and, probably somewhere, Bert and Ernie.

I always find it kind of annoyingly funny that two people, who will have to work together after the election is over, can treat each other like mortal enemies in order to get a vote.

A lot of times, the political ads turn me off when it comes to election time. I always ask myself ‘Why do I want to vote for someone who does nothing but rip apart another person’s views and beliefs?’

The answer: because I am an American, that’s why.

Americans love arguing, and they love watching other people argue. The only thing better than a political debate during election season would be a political mixed martial arts match between the two candidates.

It would seem the younger, more athletic Obama would mirror his overwhelming victory at the polls Tuesday if he stepped into the octagon against McCain, but don’t underestimate McCain’s proven ability to survive what seems like dire conditions.

You know what, the race for Minnesota’s U.S. Senate seat has not been decided yet. Maybe Coleman and Franken can square up in the ring, and duke it out.

I can see it now, Coleman putting a cradle hold on Franken, ready to pin the comedian, and all of a sudden Coleman takes a boot to the skull. Inside that boot is the foot of Independent Party senate candidate Dean Barkley, who is wearing a pink boa, left over from the Ventura administration, around his neck.

Now, that is political excitement.

The mixed martial arts match did not happen between McCain and Obama, and it probably won’t between the senate candidates, so I did what I was supposed to do, drove to the Franklin Township polling station and cast my votes.

I don’t know what happened at that polling station, but something came over me during the entire process. It was either a feeling of relief that the debating and campaigning were over, or a feeling pride that I fulfilled one of my American duties.
I’m going with the latter of the two.

I am, though, very happy that I don’t’ have to listen to and watch any more political ads. Now it’s just the same automobile and prescription drug ads over and over. Already, I can’t get the “Saved by Zero” Toyota jingle out of my head.

Come to think of it, sometimes politicians end up in those prescription drug ads.

Remember former senator Bob Dole?

He conceded the 1996 election to President Bill Clinton, and then did some commercials for a dysfunction that is treatable with a little, purple pill.

Isn’t John McCain 72 years old?

Hmm, if the senate thing doesn’t work out for McCain, he might have a future as a pitchman.