How to win at playing the lottery
December 3, 2012
by Brian Wolf

Wow, or as the kid’s text nowadays, OMG. Are you kidding me, a chance to win $579.9 million dollars! Who wouldn’t want a piece of that?

Oh, wait a minute, I didn’t buy a lottery ticket. I keep forgetting that you actually have to buy a ticket to win. Who made up that dumb rule? After all, if everyone is going to play anyway, why not open it up to everyone?

Instead of drawing ping pong balls out an air machine, they could just pick them from social security numbers. That way, you would save everyone the trouble of having to run down to the local gas station and stand in line behind all those other losers. Everyone has heard the expression “your chances of winning are about the same whether you plan or not.” Why don’t we make that a true statement by just including everyone?

The $2 that it cost to play right now just seems to be a national tax on people that can’t add very well, or have no concept of statistics. I don’t think it’s very fair to give all these people the false hope of winning. After all, if you were really that “blessed” or “lucky” of a person to begin with, you probably would already be independently wealthy by way of marriage, inheritance, prosperous business, or something along those lines.

Now, you might be thinking that if everyone in American isn’t standing in line at the gas station to buy a ticket, where will the money come from for the winners? The answer is elementary, my dear Watson. The government will start a new entitlement program called “Obama-Cares.” They will draw one or two social security numbers out of a big hat and then everyone gets to live the dream together; not just the ones that stand in lines at gas stations. I believe this has a chance to succeed because it seems America loves to get free stuff from the government.

Of course, the government can just borrow this money from China and put in onto the national debt. The reason this will work is because America seems to believe that there is never a day of reckoning for running up the national debt. Besides, later on, we could always just switch over and have all the rich people in America pay for it.

But until this program is put into place, the way to win at the lottery still remains the tried-and-true time-tested method of just not playing. After all, today I feel like I won the $2 I didn’t waste yesterday on a ticket.

Side note: If any of my clients ever win the lottery please know that I whole heartedly supported your decision to buy a ticket and please call me immediately.

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