Internet's high-speed network replaced with dial-up modems
April 1, 2013
by Mark Ollig

A final report by American Packets Regulating Internet Latency 1 (APRIL 1) has convinced the US government to modify how its citizens access the Internet.

The report is grim.

“The use of the Internet over high-speed, and ultra-fast broadband networks using fiber optics, coaxial, satellites, microwaves, mobile cellular, and even Wi-Fi, is causing critical data packet fragmentation. This is resulting in the loss of the Internet’s binary 1 and 0 bits inside the encoding structure. The binary data’s individual blocks are unable to reach their destinations due to unforeseen latency, resulting in cases of router corruption. The datagrams simply cannot keep pace with the torrent bit streams,” said the report.

“The early 1970s designed Internet Protocols (TCP/IP) software for managing the flow of binary 1s and 0s communicating on a computer over the Internet, is slowly deteriorating as it travels through today’s ultra-fast broadband networks – the binary code just can’t keep up the pace,” said Dr. Paul “Pulse” Codemodulation.

The loss of 1s and 0s occurring in the Internet bit stream has been confirmed by Ima “Binary” C. Reader, who monitors the flow of data bits sent over the Internet from an undisclosed location in Las Vegas.

Speaking before the House Subcommittee on Responsible Binary Use last Friday, Citizens for Accountable Internet Speeds said, “We are leading the charge to get America back to sensible, safer, and consistently slower Internet speeds by reducing the time binary code travels over the network.”

This columnist feels one way to save and recycle lost binary data bits, is by catching them in specially designed software bit buckets, as they drop off from the network.

Experts in modemology have spoken out and agree after reviewing various algorithmic simulations the only sensible, logical course is to proceed immediately with a nation-wide conversion of using no faster than 1,200 bps (bits-per-second) modems.

“If we go faster than 1,200 bps, we risk losing binary 1s and 0s. This we cannot allow to happen. However, in time, it is believed using 9,600 bps modems, with proper hardware buffering and echo-cancellation will be allowed,” stated Professor Hex A. Decimal, who holds a doctorate in binary and base 16 studies. He teaches at the Bits and Bytes research center, headquartered in Minnesota.

Not everyone is happy with the change.

“This is an Internet conspiracy! Everyone knows 1,200 bps is actually 300 baud. How can I watch YouTube videos through a 300 baud modem on my new iMac?” exclaimed Émile Baudot, as he sipped his latté at a local coffee house.

“One thousand two hundred bps ought to be enough for anyone!” scoffed Bill Gatesly, owner of MicroSoftly Modems Inc.

US government officials have announced full Internet network conversion to dial-up modem lines beginning in cities using the greatest number of 1s and 0s in their high-speed data streams.

Anonymous reports say a government program; similar to the one used when digital to analog TV converter boxes were supplied to citizens, will begin soon.

Homes’ and businesses’ high-speed Internet termination boxes will need to be replaced with new, US government-approved 1,200 bps analog modems, manufactured exclusively by MicroSoftly Modems Inc.

All fiber optical cables used for the Internet will be removed and recycled. New copper cable facilities will be installed as needed.

An Internet user will be required to connect their new analog modem to the copper cable line before plugging in a standard 4-conductor modular line cord from the modem to an RJ11C/USB converter stick on their computer.

Makers of all mobile Internet access devices, smart phones, and computing tablets have agreed to replace their internal Wi-Fi and cellular digital packet data chipsets, with new analog 1,200 bps “mini-modems” provided by MicroSoftly Modems Inc.

Many Internet video watchers argue the new, slower data speeds will essentially prohibit streaming video and television from being broadcast over the Internet.

“Why use the Internet for TV or movie viewing? We should return to transmitting reliable, analog over-the-air signals to analog-receiving- only television sets for receiving these broadcasts,” asserted a spokesperson from the Philo Farnsworth TV Preservation Society.

Concern is not just with video being broadcast over the Internet.

“The US must remove Internet digital audio broadcasting from these overly-fast, bit-robbing, high-speed networks. It’s time to return to the basics with over-the-air amplitude modulation. Let’s go back to using analog crystal radio sets, instead of energy-wasting integrated circuit components. Also, crystal radios have no need for a battery or other power source,” read a statement from the local chapter of the Cat’s Whisker Receiver Rebels.

Others feel we should reverse course, and scrap analog modems and the Internet altogether by rebuilding the original US telegraph network, and connect it to every city from coast to coast.

“Hey, the telegraph system uses those fancy coded signals too!” exclaimed one enthusiastic telegraph supporter.

Breaking News:

Sources have informed this columnist that US officials misread the APRIL 1 report, and now have no plans to “reverse course” and replace broadband networks, or any other high-speed technology used to access the Internet.

So, loyal readers, we will not need to revert back to dial-up modems connected to analog phone lines as we once did when accessing CompuServe, Prodigy, AOL, or hobby computer bulletin board systems.

I hope you enjoyed reading this April Fools’ Day column written especially for you.

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