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The adult possibilities store
March 7, 2016
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by Ivan Raconteur

Since becoming a homeowner again, I have been spending a lot of my time (and money) at the adult possibilities store.

I was going to call it the adult toy store, to illustrate how these places can be fun for adults, they way toy stores are for kids, but it occurred to me some readers might misinterpret my meaning. Therefore, to avoid any confusion, we’ll go with adult possibilities store.

There are several options in this retail category. Some people may prefer Home Depot, Lowe’s, Menards, or any of the other big home improvement stores. I have no particular loyalty, and end up at all of them at one time or another, depending upon what I am seeking.

Part of the fun is that there is always something one wasn’t looking for that finds its way into the cart.

On my most recent expedition, for example, my goal was to buy some construction adhesive, a couple boxes of wood screws, some finishing nails, and some clips for coaxial cable.

Along the way, I picked up a flexible putty knife and some lightweight spackling I had forgotten I needed.

I spent some time looking at power miter saws, doing research for a future expedition.

Wandering down the hardware aisle, I took my time, because one can always find things there that would be good to have on hand – just in case.

I looked at the ladders, but that was mainly to reinforce my hypothesis that what I really need is a Little Giant. For those who are not familiar with the name, the Little Giant is sort of the Swiss Army Knife of the ladder kingdom. They can do anything, and yet they are compact and efficiently designed.

The lighting aisle caught my attention for awhile, but I didn’t buy anything on this particular trip.

Naturally, since there has been a hint of spring in the air, I conducted a thorough inspection of the lawn and garden department.

I suppose I am going to have to buy a lawn mower, because I don’t think local ordinances or my neighbors would approve of a goat.

I perused the patio furniture, because I’d like a couple chairs and a small table so that I can sit outdoors and enjoy refreshing adult beverages when the weather is fine. I’m very wary of patio furniture.

Cheap plastic lawn chairs are the enemy of the fat man. I have a friend who took a terrible tumble when he tried to sit in a cheap lawn chair. Not only did he narrowly escape injury, but he nearly spilled his beer.

Another friend went to a party and got wedged into a lawn chair that was too narrow for his ample backside. When he stood up, the chair went with him. That can be embarrassing, especially in mixed company.

I also don’t approve of mesh when it comes to patio chairs. Anything that is designed to leave one’s legs or posterior looking like an Easter ham is off limits as far as I’m concerned.

And, while wicker makes attractive baskets, it should not be used for furniture. Ever.

I noticed that those portable fire pits have become much fancier than I remembered, and they are available in more styles than there were the last time I looked at them.

I’ll have to give that idea some thought, though. I enjoy recreational fires, but they can create work, too. It may be that fire pits are like swimming pools. It would be nice to have my own, but it might be even nicer to have a buddy who has one, so they do the work, but I still get to enjoy it once in awhile. And I have a pal just down the street who has a very nice fire pit, and she always has adult beverages in the old ice box.

The beauty of the home improvement stores is that they are the source of countless ideas for projects to make our little nests more comfortable and attractive.

Every department features fodder for dreams about how we might transform our living space, from small repairs to grand additions or renovations.

Thinking about the possibilities is half the fun.

After scouring every aisle in the store, I got out fairly inexpensively on this trip but, not before adding an $8 high-visibility tape measure to my cart. I already own a tape measure, but it has been hiding since I moved, and this one is a different design. One can never have too many tape measures.


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