Reviewing a deer hunter's schedule

By LARRY FINKE

We live in interesting times.

Not only can we buy hot hamburgers, french fries, and chili without leaving our vehicles, but we can also get funny stories on our computers from friends who live practically half way around the world.

Just this past week I heard from Jim "Tack" Feltmann, an old friend from Young America who now lives near Seattle, Washington.

I got to know Jim pretty well when we were both in our high-school's production of Bye Bye Birdie. Jim had the lead role of Conrad Birdie, while I was a Townsman.

I can still remember my one, powerful line: "He's coming! He's coming!" I intoned compellingly. "Conrad Birdie is coming!"

It was in rehearsing and performing this masterwork of the American theatre that I learned of Jim's many talents. Not only could he sing and act and look like Elvis, but he could also belch on cue, a necessary skill if you want to play the part of Conrad Birdie.

But anyway, Jim e-mailed me a deer hunting schedule, which has nothing to do with singing or acting and only marginally with belching.

I don't deer hunt, but I know a lot of people who do, and I'm sure they will appreciate the following organizational aid:

Deer hunting schedule:

1 a.m. - Alarm clock rings.

2 a.m. - Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.

2:30 a.m. - Throw everything but the kitchen sink in the pick-up.

3 a.m. - Leave home for the deep woods.

3:15 a.m. - Drive back home and pick up gun.

3:30 a.m. - Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.

4 a.m. - Set up camp. Realize you forgot the tent.

4:30 a.m. - Head out into woods.

6:05 a.m. - See eight deer.

6:06 a.m. - Take aim and squeeze trigger.

6:07 a.m. - "Click."

6:08 a.m. - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.

8 a.m. - Head back to camp

9 a.m. - Continue looking for camp.

10 a.m. - Realize you have no idea where camp is.

Noon - Fire gun for help. Eat wild berries.

12:15 p.m. - Out of bullets. Deer come back.

12:20 p.m. - Strange feeling in stomach.

12:30 p.m. - Realize you ate poison berries.

12:45 p.m. - Rescued!

12:55 p.m. - Rushed to hospital. Have stomach pumped.

3 p.m. - Arrive back at camp.

3:30 p.m. - Leave camp to shoot deer.

4 p.m. - Return to camp for bullets.

4:01 p.m. - Load gun, leave camp again.

5 p.m. - Empty gun on squirrel that is really bugging you.

6 p.m. - Arrive back at camp. See deer grazing there.

6:01 p.m. - Load gun.

6:02 p.m. - Fire gun.

6:02 p.m. - Miss deer, hit truck.

6:05 p.m. - Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.

6:06 p.m. - Suppress strong desire to shoot partner.

6:07 p.m. - Trip over dead deer's leg, fall into campfire.

6:10 p.m. - Change clothes.

6:15 p.m. - Take pick-up, leave partner and his deer in camp.

6:25 p.m. - Pick-up overheats. Find bullet hole in radiator.

6:26 p.m. - Start walking.

6:30 p.m. - Start crying, stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.

6:35 p.m. - Meet huge bear.

6:35 p.m. - Take aim.

6:36 p.m. - Fire gun, blow up barrel plugged with mud.

6:36 p.m. - Lose all control of bodily functions.

6:37 p.m. - Climb tree.

9 p.m. - Bear wraps gun around tree, leaves.

9:03 p.m. - Feeling relieved bear is gone.

9:04 p.m. - Start climbing down from tree.

9:05 p.m. - Fall out of tree.

Midnight - Home at last!

All you hunters, be careful out there, and remember: If you don't shoot any deer, you can still get a hot hamburger, fries, and chili without leaving the relative comfort of your truck.

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